whining

There are good days and bad days. Today has turned into one of those bad days. I miss Maggie so much that I can barely breathe. I've been on the verge of tears for most of the day. I'm so conflicted about working. I still like what I do, but the separation is painful. I can't stand the thought of other people watching Maggie grow while I'm stuck in this cubicle. I feel like I would have a similar conflict if I quit my job. The monotony of life with an infant doesn't appeal to me and the drop in our family income would be disappointing. I wish there was some middle ground of working and being with her.
I daydream about starting my own company. At my company you could keep your baby at your desk and still get your work done. You might have to stay a little longer in order to get everything done, but there's no reason to rush to the daycare to pick up the baby. She's already with you.
I'm counting down the minutes until I can escape. I still have the commute, but at least then I will be headed towards her. I can't wait to pick her up, hold her close and smell her soft hair.
I used to feel this same knot in my chest when I missed Tony. We lived in different states while we were dating, and we only saw each other on the weekends. After we got married, I never thought I'd feel this palpable longing for another human being again. I was wrong. It hurts just as bad, maybe even worse.

2 months

I apologize to dooce for totally ripping off her idea.

Dear Maggie,
You are now two months old. I can't believe how much my life has changed since November 21st. I love every minute of the breastfeeding, diaper changing and even watching you sleep. You're not very active yet, but you're still fascinating to watch. I enjoy looking at you and thinking that you're a perfect mix of your father and me.
Since you came into this world you have mastered the art of breastfeeding. The newborn nurses wanted to give you formula because you refused to eat for the first day, but you picked it up very well the next day. Now you're an expert with the breast and becoming better with the bottle every day. I wish that I could feed you every time that you get hungry, but I made the decision to work and unfornately you are not invited to work. In a perfect world I could do my job and be with you at all times, but this world is far from perfect.
So I've started going to work, and you're started going to day care. From what I've seen, you don't seem to notice that you're at day care. Before I drop you off each morning, I feed you in the car and cuddle for just a few more minutes. You're happy as a clam when I leave. Many hours later, I return to find you happy and usually sleeping. Thanks for making Mama's return to work easier. I couldn't stand it if you cried when I left you.
Your favorite activities at this point in your life are eating, pooping and sleeping. You enjoy time in your swing and bouncy seat. We lay you under the baby gym occasionally. Sometimes you stare at the toys hanging above you, and sometimes you even smack one with your flailing arms. Maybe someday you'll learn to control those appendages and actually play with the toys.
We give you a bath every couple of days. You don't seem to mind the bath until it is over. Then you scream and cry while I'm trying to get you into a fresh diaper and nightgown. My interpretation of your screams is that you're cold and pissed that you had the misfortune of being born to amateur parents.
The sleeping scenario that works best for us right now is the whole family in the bed. Daddy sleeps on the left. Mama sleeps on the right. Maggie sleeps squished up next to Mama. Emma sleeps by Daddy's feet. By sleeping right next to me you enjoy the all night buffet. I don't want you sleeping in our bed for too much longer, but for now it's nice to have your warm little body right next to mine.
Having you in my life has made me more happy than I ever imagined. I'm trying to fully enjoy each minute with you while you're so tiny. You're already growing up so fast. It brings tears to my eyes to think of you outgrowing your newborn clothes. Yes, you've been cursed with a sappy and emotional mother. I will probably cry at every milestone in your life from your first tooth to your college graduation.
Love,
Mama

Return to work

My first day back on the job was six weeks and two days after Maggie's birth. While leaving her at the day care was not as difficult as I had expected, the desire to go and get her was overwhelming. I can make it a couple of hours without thinking of her every second (just every other second). But sometime after 1 everyday I feel a frantic need to escape the office. It crushes my soul to think of my baby being 20 miles away. My only thought for the last few hours of work and the commute is "I must get my baby!" Is she alright? Is she hungry or cold or just missing her Mama? Does she yearn for my presence the same way that I yearn for hers? These questions are answered when I finally arrive to pick her up around 5. She has been fine all day. She's happiliy sleeping in a bouncy chair or smiling in a swing or being fed by the teacher. I am confident that she is happy and healthy while she's at daycare. I am not the only person capable of feeding her and wiping her butt. However, I long for these tasks while I'm typing reports or attending meetings.
I knew returning to work would be hard. I am suffering from the separation, but I'm proud of my strength to continue. I feel like I cherish my time with Maggie more than I would if I were with her constantly. Even is she's crying or pooping or spitting up I love every moment I share with her.
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So, this is my first real post since motherhood jumped all over me. I have reached new levels of sappiness. Every post is likely to be all about my feelings and emotions plus the occasional mention of poop.
I'm still in the process of writing the birth story. It will be posted eventually.